in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
