So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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