My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
