This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
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I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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