I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
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