I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
