Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
