I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
How does it feel to date your dad?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
