my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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