I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
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I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
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I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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