Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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