I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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