i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
