Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
