1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
