If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
