1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
