i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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