it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
