if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
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