i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
