I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
