Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I AM VODKA MAN
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
