His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
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I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
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Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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