did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
