someone threw a dead crab at me
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
