I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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