I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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