just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
