Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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