My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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