What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
