Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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