He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
