I didn't shave. On purpose
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Randomize
