I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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