A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
