how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
