i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
