you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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