Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize