I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
