is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
