Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
