she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
