just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
