Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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