Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
