if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
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