i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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