my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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