yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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